Let it Die

I keep on changing.

The smudge of disappointment on my lips

Doesn’t rub off with water the way it used to.

It stays, lingering on my flannel like cigarette smoke in a

Lightless firepit.

I’ve fallen out of love with the ghosts around me,

I know I’m one of them still.

—–’s going to be out and gone,

But she was gone the moment I saw her.

Serendipity’s fury turned to sudden disappointment,

Friends sent us blind daggers through

“Setting an example” tunnel vision.

They’ve promised their recompense,

So I swallow my words and smile.

My stomach’s contents are filling with the latent breaths of anger

Less and less, they starve, unable to feast upon that which gives me energy.

Disappointment is a coated synapse.

I want this to turn me into a better person.

I want the person I fell for to be falling at a healthy mutuality,

But I can’t impose.

Keeping my distance, biding my time. Leaving my fingernails alone, they’re grown so tall.

Deep breath in, and out.

Hundreds of friends in sight,

There’s no shoulder to cry on.

This isn’t the first I’ve felt scared, alone, in crowds like this

And it won’t be the last.

All I can hope for is the day to turn tomorrow,

The karmic scales to replenish,

And for happiness to return.

Until then, I’ll keep practicing my patience.

A miserable skill to garner, until the miserable voice in your head dies of neglect.

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